Florida and Her Majestic Inhabitants
Old Man at the Bar
Genuine Homeless Person
Disgracefully Employed College Student (Part-Time)
Gimmicky Restaurants
Curbside Hunnies
Bikers and Their Old Ladies
Ambulance Chasers
The Unmistakable Stench of Red Tide
Tourist Traps and Trapped Tourists
Greasy Politicians
An Overwhelming Number of Amish
Theme Parks (Especially That One™)
Field Sketches
Florida and Her Majestic InhabitantsFlorida, more commonly called America’s Armpit, is a colorful place with equally colorful folk. For the past four years, I have had the privilege of living amongst the dwellers of this damp state. Within the pages of this book, you will discover the residents and locals of these regal wetlands.When the Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León landed on the peninsula in 1513, he named the region “La Florida,” which directly translates to “The Land of Flowers.” This has since been regarded by many scholars as “excruciatingly misleading.” Although technically truthful, most people now associate Florida with aggressive tourism and frequent alligator attacks rather than flowers.Florida is the 29th most obese state, but that’s only her second most impressive attribute. I have peeled back her sweaty folds and laid eyes on the state’s inner beauty - a beauty that lies within her occupants. The land of sunshine and theme parks has bred a peculiar subset of humanity, one that redefines the very nature of “outlandish.” Much like witnessing one of the aforementioned gator attacks, it is traumatizing and impossible to look away from. These people are the soul of the Sunshine State.I have painstakingly catalogued the most vibrant of these specimens for your viewing pleasure. Now you too can experience the greasy musk of America’s least favorite state, all within the comforts of your home. No longer will you have to risk the horrifying hurricanes and gibbering geriatrics. While reading this book, I hope you feel the same level of affection for my adopted home as I have come to acquire. Thank you and enjoy.-James SmolkoIllustrator and Florida Man
Old Man at the Bar“Please leave me alone, I’m trying to die.”Very few individuals embody the spirit of Florida quite like this one. He’s always there, or at least always there when you’re there. While everyone around him is getting hammered, he partakes in a more sophisticated pastime: smoking a fat stogie whilst filling out the daily crossword puzzle. In the middle of it all, he’s relatively ignored, having become as much a part of the rundown bar as the jukebox or the pool table.
Genuine Homeless Person“Spare a nickel?”Florida is home to an abundance of vagrants. With over 30,000 people on the streets at any given moment, you too can make a change with your change. When approached by these benevolent bums, remain calm. They don’t want to do you any harm; they’d just rather hang out on a balmy beach than die in some snowy midwestern state.
Disgracefully Employed College Student (Part-Time)“Would you like Panda Sauce with that?”The Florida job climate is less than desirable. When people aren’t escaping the monsoon outside by going to the mall, they’re getting drunk out in the sun and spending alltheir money downtown. This means that a young andinexperienced job seeker has the privilege of working in retail or making unpleasant food for unpleasant people. The net benefit of all of this is that the masses can enjoy the convenience of modern capitalism, all without having to pay someone more than minimum wage.
Gimmicky Restaurants“He dined for our sins.”No vacation spot would exist without its fair share of themed dining locations. Many of these locations are tropical- themed, filled with tiki torches and bamboo rafters. However, the more eccentric restaurants choose to go in other directions.Elvis “I Ate There” Presley is famous for two things:vulgar gyrations and loving mayonnaise. When he dined at this greasy spoon in 1956, the owners decided to abandon their previous “food-themed” menu and instead embraced the King’s image. They adorned the walls with portraits of the young rock n’ roller and altered their signage to something more appropriate.Needless to say, he would never dine there again.
Curbside Hunnies“How much will a dollar get me?”When a man and a woman love each other very much, they often engage in what is affectionately called “making love.” It’s considered a beautiful and tender act, and most people rate it 8/10 on the pleasure scale.This is not what is being offered on the side of US-41. Prostitution is considered neither beautiful or tender andinstead deplorable and degrading, and is generally only rated 6/10. Nonetheless, that hasn’t stopped Floridians from engaging in their third-favorite pastime - just behind getting drunk during hurricanes and The Act of Retiring.
Bikers and Their Old Ladies“Yeah, I ride. What are you gonna do about it?”Riding a motorcycle was considered badass in the 60s and 70s, but when these road hogs reach their 60s and 70s, it is significantly less cool. Weaving in and out of traffic, these Harley enthusiasts have made their mark on the surrounding culture.These ripened thrill-seekers pollute the air around them with the obnoxious revving and violent sputtering of their choppers. And although it might be true that “loud pipes save lives,” it is substantially less effective when a large portion of the drivers on the road are in desperate need of hearing aids. Not always marked with tattoos, they can usually be seen wearing too much leather and taking advantage of Florida’s iconic “no helmet” law.
Ambulance Chasers“Have you or a loved one been in an accident?”Q: What do jellyfish and lawyers have in common?A: A jellyfish only sucks blood at night.Needless to say, this it isn’t a very good joke and tragically misunderstands the nature of jellyfish. The point stands though that when it comes to lawyers, people don’t like them.No major metropolitan locale could exist without these pillars of justice. A toxic combination of tourists, the elderly, and pedestrians who seemingly have forgotten what roads are or how to interact with them has created a series of fatal roadways.Although attorneys are found pretty much everywhere, the level of aggressive roadside advertising found in Florida is exceptionally and remarkably tasteless. One might think that that they’re trying to cause accidents with all of that flashy marketing.
The Unmistakable Stench of Red Tide“Smells like summer.”Depending on the time of year, the Florida beach experience yields not only stunning waterside sights, but also a pervasive and seriously formidable funk. Red tide owes its name to the algae Karenia Brevis. This particular brand of algal bloom poisons the fish, causing tons of rotting sealife to wash up on the Gulf shores. The resulting aroma is quite possibly the most disgusting and fear-inducing smell ever whiffed. During certain summers, the effects can be life-altering. Survivors of the epidemic escape deeply traumatized and generally less pleased about their proximity to the ocean than when they arrived.
Tourist Traps and Trapped Tourists“I miss Minnesota.”What smells like chlorine, beer, and sunscreen? If you answered, “Stop stalling and get to the point,” please be patient.Underwhelming tourist traps have long been a tradition in America’s wettest state. Colossal orange groves, inhumanealligator farms, and mermaid-themed aquatic attractions take up the majority of land down here, which in turn lures large numbers of out-of-towners with literally nothing better to do.Visiting one of these Tourist Traps doesn’t just kill time - it murders it. The employees/entertainers are just as unenthused as the families who have just spent too much on an all-day family pass. For $379.99, you can experience what essentially boils down to a mediocre hour-and-a-half show accompanied by surprisingly non-exotic gator bites and a lukewarm adult beverage. Enjoy!
Greasy Politicians“This week in Florida...”Florida is home to quite possibly some of the sweatiest politicians in the southern United States. It has been theorized by health professionals that many of these public figures suffer from a form of severe heat stroke, causing euphoria, confusion, and general incompetence.This hypothesis would certainly explain why one Florida town mayor was arrested after he engaged with a shootout with the local police. Shortly after that, the acting mayor was arrested for attempting obstruction of justice concerning his predecessor’s actions. Thankfully, the first mayor was soon released from jail only to be rearrested on charges of conspiracy. The vice mayor was then able to pay his bond and is now back out again, doing whatever it is that a mayor does. It’s a vicious cycle.
An Overwhelming Number of Amish“If you want your life to be a reflection of Christ, dress up like a 17th century Puritan. He likes that.”When one thinks of Florida and crazy religions, the first thing that comes to mind is usually The Church of Scientology in Clearwater. What people usually don’t think of is the Amish - and rightfully so. Florida’s Amish population is well below that of Ohio, and comes in at a resounding 26th place, justafter North Carolina.Sarasota has a population of about 50,000 people, and roughly 6% (3,000) of them are Amish or Mennonite. This, combined with the fact that the city is relatively condensed, leads to frequent Amish Spottings. Needless to say, the pilgrim aesthetic of these simple folk clashes somewhat with thesurrounding retirement paradise of beaches and palm trees. You’ll often see them riding tricycles by major roads, or walking with their families of 6-7 children. Indeed, their population seems to be on the rise, primarily due to their disdain for contraceptives.Locals seem to ignore these bonnet-wearing biddies and their bewhiskered blokes, and although not directlyexpressed, it is advised that visitors do the same. When in Rome, ignore the Amish.
Theme Parks (Especially That One™)“Cease and Desist”Childhood hasn’t really been the same since that One Company™ built that One Theme Park™ in Florida™. A symbiotic relationship occurs in which people from up north travel hundreds, even thousands of miles to reach one of these theme parks (but usually That One™) and spend exorbitant amounts of money. In turn the theme park ruins the surrounding environment and displaces local communities. Of course when I say “symbiotic,” what I mean is “parasitic.”
Field Sketches
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